Wishful Thinking ♥ Rainbow of Love ♥

He had gone out of bed. It is past midnight and slumber has not visited him yet. Maybe because of anxiousness for they only have two more days left 'till their NEWS Camp will end. Or maybe because Koyama's strategy is not working. That is, to make Tegoshi become closer to them again, to make him open up to them again. It started last month, Tegoshi has changed. And the remaining three do not want to lose another member. So they decided to have a one-week camp located at the further southern region of Japan. Tegoshi was reluctant but agreed and they flew to the south the next day. It was fine the first day. Tegoshi is smiling and laughing for real and having so much fun with Kato or Koyama or even with Masuda. But the next day, Tegoshi's energy visibly dropped and he has been spending so much time inside his room, only going out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The third day was worst, Tegoshi was nowhere to be found, only to find out that he flew back to Tokyo and would be back the next day. Everyone is getting worried. They badly need Tegoshi's explanation, the reason behind his sudden change of emotion.

Masuda went out of his room and decided to look for milk. The light is off but he could clearly hear the rustling of cellophane. With a grin masked on his face, he tiptoed toward the kitchen, already prepared to surprise this someone who, for sure, is having a midnight snack. He was about to call the attention of Tegoshi, which (when he saw him) made his smile grew wide, when he observed something is different. Tegoshi has his two hands on the table, one hand clutching a cellophane, the other hand gripping a glass of water. And Tegoshi is having deep breaths

"Tegoshi?" he asked. Tegoshi quickly turned his head, wearing a shock expression, he stuttered at first but managed to utter Masuda's name. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing" Tegoshi replied, sliding the cellophane back to his pocket. He took the glass and drink it.

"Are you okay? You were-" Masuda tried asking but stopped when Tegoshi put the glass on the table harshly.

"I'm fine, Massu." he said and headed to the door.

"Did I.. did I say something wrong?" Masuda asked no one but the air, looking at the table where Tegoshi was standing before. "Oyy, Tegoshi" he whispered (it is already midnight and it is not right to shout) and went to the door to follow Tegoshi. He saw Tegoshi across the house they rented. It is so clear to him that something is not right. Tegoshi took out the cellophane from his pocket, tear something, and put that something in his mouth. He watched as Tegoshi started to calm down, before he went back inside.

---

He slammed his back to the sofa, cursing as he remembered how he snapped at Masuda. It was not his intention to snap at Massu, it was the impulse of him finding out Tegoshi's secret that made him snap. He is sick, he knows it. But it is hard in his part to accept that. And it is harder to say that to the others, even his own family doesn't know about it yet. It is uncharacteristically him to be negative, to think that he would die, but he can't help it because his sickness is inherited. Most relatives, on his father side, died because of heart disease. How many times did he hear a sudden death because of cardiac arrest from his father? He thought it is better to die suddenly when sleeping than to die suddenly when awake or when outside with friends. His doctor insists that he should stay for monitoring, that him going in for check-up is not enough. Torn between accepting his Doctor's advice or accepting Koyama's vacation offer, he decided to accept the latter first then do the former afterwards. He is neither blind nor insensitive to feel and to see that he has been pushing his friends away just because he is afraid they might discover something wrong with him. He breathed in and out slowly, Masuda's surprised face flashing in front of his mind.

"Something is wrong"

Tegoshi snapped his head to his left then to his right, searching for that person who owns that voice. He find his silhouette near the window with his back pressed on the wall. Masuda untangled his crossed arms and dragged the curtains to each side, faint light from the moon illuminating the room. He is staring Tegoshi down, telling him, or more, demanding him to explain.

"What are you hiding, Tegoshi?" his voice is stern albeit concerned

"Massu, that was..." he trailed off, licking his lips on the process as he looked around other than Masuda. His mind is contemplating whether to reveal it or not. "... a medicine, a vitamin... for my health" almost the truth, Tegoshi thought.

"Are you sure?"

Masuda asked and he neither want to answer nor to hear another question from him. It is too much, what he feels at the moment, his heart might not take it and he might die there in an instant. What a crazy thought. It is not easy to say something too personal, very personal to someone you have been with for almost half of your life. He wanted to run and hide in his room then when he saw Masuda approaching from the corner of his eyes. He then shifted till he reach the end of the sofa. Masuda might know that he is panicking because he sat next to him, not leaving a distance from where he sits.

"You know, hiding your problems from us would just make it worse. Koyama had been saying it was his fault that you have changed. Even Shige admit that he might be at fault because he always sees and notices you. Maybe I am at fault too. Tell me Tegoshi, why are you behaving as if we are just part of your work? We have been together for almost 13 years. You are not like this before. Why did you suddenly change? You always ditched us after work. You always make excuses. You always--" Masuda turned to look at Tegoshi and saw big eyes glistening with tears looking back at him. He stopped talking, holding Tegoshi's gaze.

"I didn't mean to make you all feel that way." Tegoshi said softly. He averted his gaze to the TV sitting in front of them. I better get this out from my system, he thought. "I am sick Massu. I am sick and I am afraid as hell!" he cried out. Putting his elbows on his knees, he entwined his fingers. "I've been in and out in the hospital for check-ups. I do not want to stay there but my Doctor insists that I have to. He said it is for my own good, but that thought, of me staying there, it doesn't sound good... It's as if it is already final... that I am fully prepared to accept the consequences of dying. My sickness is still a shock for me... I know I've been a shit. But everytime--" he stopped when a sob escaped from his mouth. Tegoshi covered his eyes with his hands. He didn't want to break down but he is carrying a big problem and telling this to someone might make it light. Masuda pulled him then. Putting a hand on his forehead, he pulled Tegoshi and made him lean on his shoulder. He encircled his other arm around him, comforting him. "...everytime I tried to speak out, the words won't come out. Eventually I decided to decide on it on my own, to solve my problem on my own..."

He didn't know what to say but he knows he wants to hold Tegoshi closer than ever so he did. "Tegoshi..." Masuda started but didn't finish when his voice cracked. He cleared his throat, breathe in and out to calm himself down.

"I am sorry Massu for snapping at you earlier. I am sorry for being unfriendly to you, to Kei-chan, to Shige.. I didn't mean it. It was not my intention to ignore you, not my intention to force you out in my life." Tegoshi continued, adjusting his position, putting his head under Masuda's chin, arms encircling around Masuda's waist. Masuda didn't say anything in response but how he patted Tegoshi's head and shoulder is already enough to say it is alright.

---

"You sure this is all we need?"

Kato asked their youngest member. It was almost a year since that day, when Tegoshi told them something that they thought was just a joke. A week after their camping ended, Tegoshi told them the truth. Kato and Koyama did not believe it at first but Masuda's concerned stare as he gently put a hand behind Tegoshi's back and Tegoshi's thrown glances at him already indicated that what he is saying is true.

"Tegoshi!" Kato called when the younger one didn't answer him.

"Oh sorry, you called?" he giggled as he turned around and face Kato from where he is sitting. They are going to have a party later. It becomes a tradition for them, in between concerts or no concerts, they would meet up to have a Christmas Party. Tonight's Party will be held in his hotel room. They are on tour, and tomorrow would be the last day of their concert tour. He watched as Kato rolled his eyes, pointing to the stuffs inside the fridge. "Ah, yeah. well, if you had already prepared my gift, then everything is okay." he laughed as Kato rolled once again his eyes while shaking his head.

---

"Cheers! Merry Christmas!"

They all greeted each other, sipping their bottle of beer. There are too much food (and sweets, courtesy of Koyama) on the table. Gifts arranged on the corner, some staffs inside the room for documentation, they started the party. The cameras are set on the corner while the staffs sat beside the table of NEWS, and they ate together with NEWS. After eating, the members noticed that all of the staffs inside the room gave a gift to Tegoshi.

Tegoshi is very happy to received too many gifts. "Thank you! But really, I told you it's okay, right? But you really did give me presents~ Thank you." he bowed and smiles at them. The staffs just laugh, smile at him, and thank him for the gifts they received from him, too.

"Hey, why is it that everyone gave Tegoshi a gift and we do not have any?" Masuda interjects jokingly, making all the people in the room laugh.

Tegoshi moved to the corner, pulled a gift and gave it to Masuda. "Eh? Eh? For me?"

"No, Massu. I am giving it to you so that you can give it to Shige." Tegoshi said as he raised his brow, pointing a finger at Kato who is just beside Masuda.

They exchanged presents then. Tegoshi surprised the members when he gave each of them a gift.

"What's the meaning of this?" Koyama asked, affectionately smiling at their youngest member.

"Merry Christmas, Kei-chan~" he eyed Koyama, mischievously smiling, averting his gaze to Kato and Masuda

"Aahh~ Somehow I do not want to open this" Kato murmured, receiving a fit of laughter from the people around him and a punch from Tegoshi.

---

During rehearsals, Tegoshi talked to the staffs, saying he wants to change his solo. The staffs gave him a nod, even though they hesitated when they heard his song choice. It's a Tegomass' song, Yoru wa Hoshi wo Nagameteokure, but when he explains why, they instantly gave him an OK sign knowing it is just Tegoshi being Tegoshi. Just this morning, he received a mail from his mother. Tinnie, his beloved Tinnie, is gone. He immediately sits up, the thought of going back to sleep was pushed back away from his mind. He stared at his phone, read his mother's message over and over again, and when his mind had clearly registered that he really is reading it right, he directly called his mother. It was a very devastating news.

He entered the rehearsals room with a gloomy face, making the three burst out in laughter. He stared at them, a bit confused because he doesn't know the reason behind their sudden laughter. If he was his normal self, he would ask what is funny and would laugh with them afterward. But he is not in the mood for laughter, he wonders, if someone would feel like this when that day would come. Would they feel this kind of hurt? This kind of feeling? He shook his head, brushing that possibility away. Not now, maybe later after all of this, but not now, this is the last show! I better do my best! He thought.

"Something wrong, Tego-chan?" Koyama asked, snapping Tegoshi away from his thoughts.

"I'm fine, Kei-chan" he smiles, even just a bit "I am just sad, this is the last after all."

"Yeah, well, we just have to do our best, right?" he patted Tegoshi's head and then added "You okay? You are not in pain or something?"

"Nothing is wrong~ Don't worry, I am scheduled to go to the hospital tomorrow." he smiled, slapping Koyama's hand away from his head where it is resting. He then went behind Koyama, hugged him from behind, said "Okay~ let's go to the stage" and pushed Koyama toward the door when he heard Masuda calling them.

---

It is Tegoshi's turn to sing his solo.

Koyama, Kato, and Masuda took their sits and rest. Concerts are tiring yet fun, happy, exciting. Koyama has a fan in front of him as he wiped his sweats away. Kato is sitting beside him, taking off his upper clothes because of the heat. And Masuda is leaning his back on his chair, a towel cooling his face. When Koyama heard the very first tune, note, of Tegoshi's solo, he reached out for Masuda. Then Masuda stands with a surprised look.

"Tegomass?" Kato questioningly looked at Masuda.

"I didn't know about this" he answered Kato, "Excuse me! Did we change something?" Masuda asked one of the staffs and then that staff called someone who probably knows something about the change. In the mean time, they took the stairs to the stage, hiding from the corner, they saw the fans anticipating for something. Maybe they thought Masuda would appear somewhere, or maybe they could see Tegoshi's glistening eyes and thought that he would cry soon. Some of the fans were already in tears and it was just then that they noticed the photos of Tegoshi with Tinnie playing in the background. A staff came to them and told them the reason.




But even if he already knows, there's still that seed of fear, worry that made Masuda's eyes in tears when Tegoshi sang the chorus, it made his heart aches. He took a step forward only to be stopped by KoyaShige.

"Massu, it's Tegoshi's solo--" Kato stopped then, when Masuda turned his teary-eyes to look at him.

"I do not want him singing that song as if telling us that he is going away soon" Masuda managed to say

"The song is for Tinnie" Kato says

"That might be true but we all know that there is another reason and that reason is the reason why I am going to go there, and hold him." Masuda wriggled his arm, telling Kato to let go of him.

"Let's go, the three of us." Kato then said, and Masuda nod at him, he walks slowly toward the stage while he grabbed a confused Koyama who asked him if the reason that Masuda just said is a tongue twister.