exhausted and desperate; i just want you back [taegi]

[yryumi]

 author's note:

so this is inspired by boymeetsthelast's work Hurts Like Hell.
i wrote this after reading it. i was imagining the last scene and i can't get it out of my head so here it is!
hmm, more of an alternate ending of 'Hurts Like Hell'. and in here, it is established that they know they love each other.
hope you like it, boymeetsthelast! i just an't really help myself on writing this.
this is a gift for you!

(from someone who suddenly pops up out of nowhere)

Yoongi stood there frozen, gun still pointed at Taehyung as the younger’s fingers wrapped around the gun he is holding.

Kill me, Yoongi!

He cannot believe the revelation the younger said. He cannot believe what he heard about what really happened that night. Body still frozen, he followed with his eyes as the younger falls back to his knees, tugs at the gun in his hand and points it directly on his forehead

Just kill me, please. I am tired.

Get up, is the only words he can utter with his mind on overdrive, different kinds of emotions swirling inside him making him paralyzed. But as soon as he felt the younger’s fingers moving towards the trigger, his body jerked forward prompting him to move and swung the gun to the right, shouting No!

He is still confused, doesn’t know what to do about what Taehyung just revealed to him though now many things make sense – Jungkook’s behavior towards Taehyung and Taehyung’s demeanor after he woke up. It pains him. But now that the haze in his mind is getting thinner and thinner, he is finally putting the pieces to match the puzzle that he has been solving for months. Things are slowly getting clearer.

With the emotions swirling inside him- anger, fear, disbelief, hurt, it was fear that dominated his whole being, coating his body when he saw how Taehyung’s gaze followed the gun even when it clattered to the ground. He is instantly on high alert, feeling himself more awake than he has been for months. And as soon as Taehyung lift his body and moved to the right, Yoongi instantly blocked his direction, hugging the younger tight, caging him to his arms.

Let me go, Yoongi. Please, let me go.

Tae-

Weren’t you looking for revenge? We’ll then do it! I am willing!

Tae- tears are blurring his vision but he didn’t dare to let go of the younger in favor of wiping his tears for the younger is still struggling and he needs to keep him in his arms before the younger do the one thing that he knows he would do if he would let him go.

I didn’t do it in purpose, but still, it was I who killed him! I’m sorry I thought I was protecting you too but I killed you too with my lie. I want you back! I want you back- And I miss you – and I just – I just want you back, Yoongi.

Taehyung-

Taehyung is crying, face contorted in pain as he keeps on trying to free his body from the older’s hold. He is looking at Yoongi with so much pain, telling him to let go till he stopped struggling and just stared past Yoongi’s shoulder, gaze on the gun.

I just wanted for him to drop the gun and to talked calmly because I was confused with all the things he accused me of. But then he lunged at me and I got scared and then we were on the floor, struggling. I just wanted for him to let go of the gun but then the gun went off and for a second I thought I’m going to die but his body went limped above me. The next thing I know I was waking up in the hospital and I couldn’t just tell you what really happened so I lied and I really thought I was protecting you but I was wrong. Because I killed you too.

He was shaking his head as soon as he heard the younger’s words. No, Taehyung. You di-

Maybe Jungkook was right.

What-

He wanted me gone. If I just let him do it. If I didn’t struggle, maybe both of you would still be alive now.

No- Taehyung listen to me-

Yoongi, you want him back right? And I want you back. So if I died just how it supposed to happen back then, maybe Jungkook would come back since I’d be gone then and because Jungkook is back, the old you would be back too.

Desperation bleeds on the way Taehyung started struggling again as he said his thoughts. And Yoongi is so lost because he cannot reach the younger like this. Pain seeps through him as he remembered how he changed when his brother died. He couldn’t fathom the suffering the younger must have felt with the knowledge of what really transpired, the guilt that he has been harboring, and the pain on seeing Yoongi changed in front of his very eyes.

I just want you back, happy and alive. I am sorry because of me your brother is gone. Don’t worry, when I am gone, everything will be back to normal. Jungkook would be alive and happy now because I am not around anymore and you will be happy too because Jungkook is alive so please let me go- and the younger managed to push him away. He stumbled backwards, but fueled with fear and desperation, he pivoted and was quick to grab the younger’s legs. As soon as Taehyung fell flat on his face, he scrambled up and turned the younger around, pinning him to the ground with his body. He has both of Taehyung’s hands right above his head as he screamed on his face.

Are you insane!?!

I am tired. I am exhausted. I feel so heavy and guilty and I can’t take it anymore. I can’t stand seeing you like this. If what it takes for you to be alive again is to kill the person that killed your brother, then I am here, I am willing to die. With me gone, both of you would be alive again.

I am sorry, Tae. I am so so sorry. Tears keep on falling on his eyes, falling on Taehyung’s face. I overlooked your pain. I was so lost in the idea of revenge that I disregarded the fact that you are in pain and suffering.

No, no. everything is my fault. I’m sorry. I’ll bring him back. Jungkook wants me gone, so he’ll be back when I disappear.

You can’t! You can’t leave me too, Tae. How can he be so blind? Why did he let vengeance clouded his mind?

Something changed in Taehyung’s eyes as, finally, he heard him, sees his eyes changed from unfocus to focus and back to unfocus again. Yoongi the younger hiccupped, starting to cry again. Yoongi hyung – please come back – I miss my Yoongi hyung – Yoongi – I love my Yoongi so please let me –

Hearing Taehyung’s desperate pleas broke him. His face crumpled as he cried hard and hid his face on the younger’s neck. He can still hear the younger asking for him to come back, telling him he misses him, that he loves him, that now that he knows the truth he can now, finally, do his revenge and asking for his forgiveness over and over again.

He can’t do it. No matter how much Taehyung wants him to kill him, he can’t do it. Call him selfish, he doesn’t care – and maybe that’s what Jungkook felt. He felt afraid and the fear of being forgotten and left alone led to him believing that everything will be alright if Taehyung is not in their lives. It pains him that his own brother, wanted the most important person in his life gone. He is at fault too, because he had seen and felt the signs but he didn’t confront it, he just let it be. Well it looks like Jungkook succeeded because Taehyung wants himself to disappear too. Right there and then, he decided.

No, it is time to move forward. Yoongi let go of Taehyung’s left wrist to cup his face, thumb wiping the younger’s and his tears – that are still dripping on the younger’s face – away. He leaned forward and gently put a kiss on the younger’s forehead. Taehyung’s eyes are still unfocused, he is still mumbling his pleas and Yoongi just want those beautiful brown eyes to focus on him again. How long has it been? Since he gazed at the younger and just let himself feel?

Tae. Taehyungie he softly called, leaning forward again to kiss the left and right side of his mouth, making the younger stopped talking. I’m sorry he said, gently kissing him on the lips. The gentle kiss made the younger’s eyes focused on him, at last.

Yoongi hyung? Taehyung called in a tiny broken voice that pierced his already broken heart to pieces.

 I am sorry I let you suffer all alone, Tae. I am – no, please let me talk, please do not interrupt and please listen to me, please. He added when he felt the younger opened his mouth. Their faces are still so close, lips touching, since he didn’t lean back. As soon as he felt the younger closed his mouth, he talked again, slowly, softly, gently.  Thank you, for telling me the truth. It pains me that Jungkook thought you need to disappear, that he tried to take you away from me. But do you know what pains me more? Knowing that I have a gist something is amiss but I was consumed with vengeance to think clearly. I let you suffer all of this alone. I let you suffer the guilt of that night with Jungkook. I let you suffer the pain of losing me too. I am so sorry I was blinded and didn’t stop on raging. I should have done better, should have stepped back and think. I should not have overlooked everything. I couldn’t even imagine what you feel when you see me changing in front of you, full of rage, of vengeance, and knowing that you are the only one who knows the truth. Yoongi could not stop his tears from falling as he uttered I am sorry my brother did that to you, Tae. My brother! How could he try to kill you?! Doesn’t he want me to be happy? Both of you are precious to me. But you, I love you. You are the most precious, my most important person. i cannot even fathom the idea of a world without you, of you being dead. If you died – no, no, so please, please don’t leave me. Let’s talk about this, okay? I won’t let you suffer alone. No, I can’t let you suffer for far longer. Let’s talk about this, okay? Now that I know the truth, now that you clear my mind, now, I know what to do.

You believe me? Taehyung asked with trembling voice Are you really, Yoongi?

With a breathy chuckle, he replied Yes, it’s me. And I do believe you his voice cracked a little, I knew something was wrong but I didn’t think it was to the point that he wanted to- he shivered as a gust of wind passed by and he was reminded that they are still outside, on the ground, that it is raining and they are drenched to the bones.

Let’s go back now, please?

But you –

No more. All this time, all I only wanted was the truth and truth alone.

Please forgive me –  I – Jungkook –

I forgive you he mumbled, pressing his lips to the younger. But Jungkook

Forgive him too and he was startled as he gazed at the younger’s eyes. I forgive him too. He felt rather than see the small smile that graced the younger’s lips.

And forgive yourself

And you forgive yourself too. He mumbled back. Hesitation flashed through the younger’s eyes. And Yoongi was reminded once again that the younger was suffering all alone up to the point of breaking, of crumbling. I will be here, with you, all along the way, always. So please –

I’ll try – I –

That’s good enough for me. He softly whispered, kissing him softly once more before standing up and helping the younger up. He took one look on his gun, picked it up and took the bullets before going back to Taehyung and holding his hand. The younger might have said he’ll try but just to be safe, he needs to get rid of the gun.

Taehyung squeezed his hand and held it tight before he started walking forward. And to Yoongi, it might just be only that, walking together, but he also sees it metaphorically as moving forward together.