SAY [EUNKANG]

 “Seungyoon-ah, stop that” Jiwon said to his youngest son who is playing with his older brother’s foot, Seunghoon, who is laughing while saying “Stop” to his younger brother. The sound of the door being opened echoed in the living room and they all looked up with big smiles. “Uncle Sunghoon is here!” the children shouted as they hastily stood up to meet the said uncle.

Sunghoon has been babysitting the Eun twins a month after Jiwon and his wife got divorced. Jiwon wouldn’t let his ex-wife have the custody of his sons knowing she cannot take good care of them, with her being a workaholic and after all it was mainly Jiwon who have raised their children since they were two, the time when he couldn’t take his wife’s true colors anymore. She is a cold mother towards her sons and always brings up the topic of what could have happened if she was not impregnated early by Jiwon which Jiwon would always rebuttal of “you gave in to me!” They got married because of their parents but now, they just want out, for her wife, she wanted out in their life and for Jiwon, he wanted to be away from her and start anew. If only their parents didn’t insist on them getting married that time, marriage is not always the solution, he reasoned out but his voice was not heard. He had loved his girlfriend that time but she changed when she got pregnant and Jiwon has endured all of her changes, hoping it is only because she is pregnant, and hoping for the best of their relationship as husband and wife but it only got worse when the twins came. But still Jiwon endured. He only had enough when his wife started hanging out with other people, as if she hasn't have a family waiting for her at home. She is always at work and will only be home when weekends. The twins barely had memories of their mother caring for them. One night, he waited for her to come home and when she did, he presented the divorce paper to her which she happily signed. Jiwon couldn't even believe she was just waiting for him to get the divorce papers.

Jiwon was looking for a babysitter when he volunteered. It was just a coincidence, really, —them being neighbours when Jiwon and the kids moved to the Lee apartment complex and him being free because his work as a singer on a bar is only at nighttime so he has his morning and afternoon free to look after the kids until Jiwon would be back from work. As neighbours, they clicked on their first meeting so Jiwon already trusts him to take good care of his sons. And him having a good reputation as a resident of the Lee apartment only made sure of Jiwon's decision.

Jiwon, at first, didn't let Sunghoon because he will be wasting his good night sleep for his sons knowing how he worked late at night but Sunghoon insisted, "It's better me than anyone else you don't know. They like me, you like me guys, right?" he asked the children which received with a loud "Yes! So much!" and he added "Also, you are paying me, right? And I can always sleep at the weekend. I always do."  

"Uncle Sunghoon!" the kids chorused as they went to hug each leg of Sunghoon. Sunghoon laughed at the actions of the 5 year old twins. It is always like this when he would enter their house, might be their dad who taught them. Speaking of the dad, he was just sitting at the living room, clad on his business attire as he stood up to greet him as well.

"You are early today." Jiwon, with a smile, said as a greeting. Sunghoon raised his brow at the greeting then chuckled.

"I woke up early, hyung." he answered. He went near him and tapped his shoulders "Alright, off you go~ guys come on say goodbye to your dad." he added as he plucked the twins who are still clinging on his legs. The twins laughed but obeyed to Sunghoon "Good bye daddy!" they chorused.

"Goodbye." Jiwon kissed both of them on their forehead and said "take good care of each other and don't do anything that would make Uncle Sunghoon mad, alright?"

"Yes daddy. We will be good." Seunghoon said, smiling with white teeth showing, an arm slinging around Seungyoon's shoulder.

"That smile doesn't look good though." Jiwon said, playfully. Sunghoon slapped him on the arm saying, "And when I have woken up early for you to not be late, aigoo, hyung they are good boys. Okay off you go~" Sunghoon added, ushering him out of their house.

"Alright, alright. no need to shoo me out." Jiwon said laughing. "I'll be going now, see you later everyone!"

"Goodbye! Take care~ daddy/hyung" the three people in the house shouted.

"What should we play for today? Hmm~ where should we go for today?" Sunghoon asked the two boys. He looked down smiling to see them grinning back at him. "What?"

"We want to go to Uncle Sunghoon's house and play!" they chorused

"I want to hear you sing and play the peeno, Uncle." Little Seungyoon said which was accompanied by a nod from Seunghoon, looking expectantly at Sunghoon to nod too."

"Of course! That's alright with me." Sunghoon said with a big smile of his own, excited to sing for the children.
 

Sunghoon has learned how to live on his own since he was a teen. He had learned it the hard way. His parents died in an accident when he was still a child, leaving him alone in the care of his aunt. A child that grew up without parents, he was raised by his mother’s sister but when she passed away, he has no one left beside him. His life has been hard but despite everything, he has a positive outlook in life. Singing is his hobby, one that his’ and his foster mother’s pastime. She once said to him, he got his skills from his mother, his mother has a good voice too.

 Music has been his escape and his best friend. He didn’t want to let go of the only thing that connects him to both his foster mother and his real mother, which is why he is singing in a pub. Even when the pay is not that high, he can still sustain himself, and he enjoyed playing, that’s the only thing that matters to him.

 

---

 

Jiwon came back to an empty house. He got startled at first but decided to look for his sons at the neighbour next door. He tapped the doorbell, waiting for Sunghoon to answer but there is no one answering the doorbell. Another series of ding-dong and Seunghoon’s distinct voice was heard. “Yes? Oh, hi daddy! Uncle Sunghoon is cooking right now. Do you want to come in?” he asked cutely and Jiwon doesn’t know if he should laugh or should be annoyed at his son. He was about to answer when the door opened, it was Sunghoon. “Kids, greet your father.” He heard feet running then two small people clung on Sunghoon’s legs. “Hi daddy.”

“How did you answer—”

“Oh, they took a chair and climbed on it.” Sunghoon said, shaking his head. “No scolding, I’ve already scolded them.” He added when he saw Jiwon’s disapproving face. Jiwon just sighed and said “This is why they like you.” Which was only answered by Sunghoon’s laugh.

 

“Come in, come in. I just finished cooking for the kids. But you are welcome to eat here too.” Sunghoon said, ushering Jiwon inside his apartment, the kids were already back inside the apartment as soon as he ushered their father in.

"I bought food" Jiwon muttered, raising his left hand, a cellophane of take out food dangling on his hand. "Then this will be ours while the kids eat the food that you cooked."

They settled in Sunghoon's dining room and the kids ate their food in peace, totally concentrating on eating the food that Sunghoon has given them. 

"Guess they like it." Sunghoon said, smiling. Jiwon smiled at the sight. and his smile only broaden when little Seungyoon said "It's delicious, Uncle! Thank you! Another bowl please~" Sunghoon laughed at that. 


----

After eating, the trio went back to their apartment as Sunghoon got ready for his work.

"Dad, we had a great day because of Uncle Sunghoon." Seunghoon said.

"Yes dad! He sang for us and also taught us how to play the peeno!" Seungyoon excitedly added. "Pee-a-no" Seunghoon cut in, looking at Seungyoon but Seungyoon didn't even look at him, just continue on talking to their father. "I am gonna learn the peeno and be like Uncle Sunghoon!"

"No no, me! me! I'll be like Uncle Sunghoon!" Seunghoon countered

Jiwon sighed. "Both of you will be like Uncle Sunghoon. But how about me? No one wants to be like dad?" he asked playing annoyed which the twins only laughed, as they answered him with no one. "No one, huh." And then proceeded on tickling them both. "Surrender! Say you'll be like dad!" 

"We'll be like dad! We'll be like dad!" the twins shouted "Stop already dad" they added, still laughing. 

"Good. Then go to bed now."

“Yes dad” they chorused as they went to get their pajamas. Jiwon helped them changed their clothes and bid them good night.

He strutted towards the living room with a sigh. Thinking about his day and how a certain someone keeps on invading his mind. It’s ridiculous, he justified. This is different from when he met his ex-wife for the first time. And it is not as if they have just met for the first time. It has been two months since they met. But how come he is feeling this way towards him? This is a first. He is confused and afraid. His sons need a mother not a new father, right? And how come he is feeling this way towards him? Well, he admits he is beautiful, handsome, and is kind, and soft-hearted, and loves the kids and--first and foremost, he is not ready to be in a relationship again. He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t hear the doorbell ringing. A knock and the doorbell ringing again disturbed him out of his thoughts. He went to open the door without even looking who it is. Mouth opening wide, he choked on his saliva when he opened and saw Sunghoon in neat black and white attire.

“Do I look weird?” he confusedly asked Jiwon.

“N-no, I just. You look good. Uhh, all the time! It’s just the first time that I, uhh, saw you in uhh your—” he cleared his throat and said again “You look good.”

“Thanks, hyung!” he said, happily smiling at him. He then remembered the reason why he went there in the first place. “Oh yeah, the twins’ toys. They forgot it. Well here you go. Goodbye!” he gave the toys to him and waved, turning around to walk to the elevator, looking at his watch as he did.

Jiwon was left in front of his apartment, still in the door. “I got it bad.” He muttered. “This is bad.”

---

Jiwon didn’t know why he was doing this. He followed Sunghoon to Jang Café. He left his children alone to see Sunghoon perform live. And he was mesmerized. Sunghoon captivated him and the others in the café. Nobody ate, their focus only on one person who was singing. They clapped as soon as he was finished. The small stage didn’t do justice on Sunghoon’s live singing.

“Hyung! What are you doing here? What about the kids?” Oh, Sunghoon has seen him.

“They’re at home, sleeping. Don’t worry I won’t stay out late. I just thought of visiting you.” He answered truthfully. “I just want to see where you work.”

“Oh. So how was my performance?”

“Perfect” he instantly said “I was mesmerized. You need to perform on a big stage.”

“Nah~ that’s not my dream anymore. I’m alright with performing on small stages like this.” Sunghoon said with a wistful smile. Something that he noticed whenever he talks about his dream. He got curios so he asked, “What is your dream?”

“My dream? I don’t dream big like other people. I only dream that one day, I can have a family which I can call as my own. My parents died when I was a child so my mother’s sister brought me in but then she too left me early… I just want to have a family that won’t leave me behind. But now I don’t think I can have a family so now it’s I want to have someone who would love me as much as I love them, someone who would always be there for me, someone who I can call mine and won’t leave me behind.” Sunghoon sighed. “It’s too hard to look for that someone even when I meet many kind of people with the line of work that I have.”

Jiwon was intently listening to Sunghoon, really he was. But it’s just his line of sight was on his pink lips as he talked. “But I am here” he mumbled when Sunghoon was finished talking.

“What hyung? I didn’t hear you. Did you say something?”

“Maybe you weren’t looking enough. Or that person is already near you.” Jiwon said

“Maybe.” He said, staring at Jiwon and Jiwon doing the same. It’s as if time stopped and they are the only ones moving. It’s as if Jiwon is being filled, his empty heart is being fully filled and it is so overwhelming that he got scared. He cut their staring and he looked at the coffee in front of him. He didn’t see Sunghoon still staring at him with a sad smile on his face. He didn’t see him mouthing something at him. Sunghoon cleared his throat then and said “It’s getting very late, hyung. You need to go home now.”

“What about you?”

“I still have to perform in a hotel after this.”

“What if you meet someone there?” Jiwon asked and Sunghoon blinked at him, smiling wide.

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell you if I ever met my someone there” Sunghoon said, still smiling, then whispered “If I ever did find you there.”

Jiwon went home still overwhelmed. He is scared. Many what-ifs running on his mind, what if I would confess? What if I would be rejected? What if the children won’t like it? What if my family opposed with our relationship? But first, what if I would be rejected!? This is all so new to me, falling in love with a man. I finally admitted it to myself. Yes, I am in love. I have fallen in love with a man and it feels so right.

 

---

The next day, Jiwon rang the doorbell next door. And Sunghoon was greeted by a serious Jiwon. He smiled but his smiled freezes as he heard Jiwon’s words.

“I want you to stop babysitting my kids from now on.”

Dumbfounded, Sunghoon was quiet for a while before he found his voice “Hyung, why? Are you not satisfied with me—”

“That’s not it, Sunghoon.”

“Then why?” Sunghoon said, hurt. And when he thought their friendship is going on the right direction.

“I can’t say it.”

“Just say you are not satisfied with me.”

“I already said that’s not it.”

“Then, why, hyung? And here I thought we are close.”

“That’s it, because we are getting too close!” Jiwon exploded. He looked up to see the hurt in Sunghoon’s eyes. Oh damn, he hurt him and he said it the wrong way. “Sunghoon, no, —”

“If you didn’t want this friendship, you should have said so from the very beginning. Then I shouldn’t have hope..” he turned around “Then, let’s forget about our friendship. Goodbye, hyung.” With one last glance, he closed the door on Jiwon’s face. He stubbornly wiped the tears that had escaped and whispered “and when I have finally admitted it to myself. Stupid self. Stupid hyung.” he chastised.

Jiwon was left there standing in front of the closed door. He knocked on Sunghoon’s door but the younger wouldn’t open it anymore. “Fuck!” he cursed. He went to his apartment to see the twins expectantly waiting for him. He blinked and sighed. “Get ready for school. It’s my day off so no Uncle Sunghoon for you guys.”

“Something happened, Dad?” Seunghoon asked, head tilting to the side. His son looks so cute that he couldn’t get mad at him.

“Just some adult fight, Hoon-ah.”

“You fought with Uncle Sunghoon!?” Seungyoon said, gasping as if he was shocked. And his other son looks so cute in the eyes of Jiwon that he still couldn’t get mad at him.

“Yes, but don’t worry, Yoon-ah. We’ll be fine tomorrow.”

Jiwon cursed as he went to the rooftop, he needs to smoke. “I fucked up. Damn, I fucked up.” Jiwon muttered over and over again. That morning the twins asked why Uncle Sunghoon was not around again. He made up excuses for the whole week like he went to visit his parents he’ll be back tomorrow, so you guys need to behave in school, alright? I’ll be picking you up.” “something came up, he couldn’t come.” And he was even shouted by his sons. “You said you guys already made up.” “Yes we did, but Uncle Sunghoon is still busy” he lied.

He said it the wrong way. And now Sunghoon won’t even answer his texts and calls. Right, forget. “I cannot forget. Damn it!” The only answer that he know is to visit him at work. But what will he tell him? Should he confess instead? He cursed just thinking about it.

“It’s not that hard, you know.” A voice was heard and he looked up to see Lee Jaijin, his colleague. “You just have to man up and confess. Say whatever you want to say, no filter, just go with the flow. It doesn’t matter to you if he will accept your confession or not, as long as you have said everything that you want to say.”

“What are you talking about?” He didn’t know he said it out loud. And of all the people that he thought would come here to have a talk with him, it was Jaejin who did.

“Why are you here? I didn’t know you smoke.”

“I don’t smoke.”

“Then why are you—”

“I know Kang Sunghoon.” Stupefied, he stared at Jaejin. “Based on your reaction, I was right. Sunghoonie is a good friend of mine but I didn’t mention you to him because you didn’t mention him to me. But I know you and him are supposed to be good friends. And I know that you guys are having a fight?”

“We are not fighting” he mumbled

“Oh you broke up.”

“We are not even together!”

“Oh so that’s why, you want to be with him.”

“I—” he couldn’t answer back. “I don’t know.” Catching his tongue, he uttered again “I mean, no. I mean, he is a good friend. And –”

“But you are getting too close”

“Yes and—wait, how did you know?”

“I told you, we are good friends.”

“Good enough that he can say these things to you?”

“Am I sensing some jealousy in there?”

“No you’re not.”

“You do not have to worry about me. We are just good friends.”

“And why am I discussing these things with you?”

“Because you need it. You have been distracted with your work for a week now. Many of us have noticed. I tell you, tonight he will be at Kim café, 10pm.” He said with a wave and then he is gone. Leaving Jiwon alone on his thoughts again. With a bit of information about Kang Sunghoon’s whereabouts, he looked forward, determined.

But Jiwon didn’t thought it’d be this hard to talk to him. It is already past 12 midnight. Sunghoon didn’t even look at him or at the side where he was sitting on the café, something that he noticed. And with all of Sunghoon’s fans on the café, the café was crowded he almost didn’t have a table if not for his connection (Kim Jaeduc). So how can he grab his attention? I should have brought the kids! But no, that would be awkward and look at the time! Dad is not thinking. Damn it, Kang Sunghoon! Look at me! And as if Sunghoon heard him, he looked straight at him, catching him off guard. He holds his stare though. And he looked as Sunghoon talked to one of the guys in the café before he walked towards his direction.

“Jiwon-ssi, why are you here? What about the children?” Jiwon’s heart hurt at how Sunghoon called him but he still looked determined.

“Let’s talk, Sunghoon. Please don’t be this way.” He said and his voice sounds begging that Sunghoon’s heart faltered.

“Let’s walk home together then.” Sunghoon said, voice becoming quiet.

They walked home together but nobody talked. The surrounding feels so suffocating that Jiwon had enough. He stopped walking and Sunghoon stopped too.

“Let’s stop this fight.”

“We are not even fighting, Jiwon-ssi.”

“Sunghoon-ah.” Jiwon said, he didn’t care if he looked as if he is begging because he really is. He couldn’t stand being away from him anymore. He went near the younger and hold his hand, the younger tried to wriggle free from his hold, but he holds it tight, not wanting to let go of the younger. “I’m sorry. I have said it the wrong way.” He muttered, face desperate for him to understand. “What I really meant to say is that I was scared.” Damn it Lee Jaejin, confessing is nerve-wrecking! Damn you for putting the thought of confessing in my mind! “I was scared because I woke up and it’s all you that I have been thinking of. I woke up and I thought how great it would feel to wake up with you by my side.” He heard Sunghoon gasped but still he continued with his monologue “I woke up and the image of you playing with the kids entered my mind, the image of you saying goodbye to me with the kids as I went to work entered my mind, the image of you taking them to school and us picking them up together entered my mind. You are everywhere and you are always part of my everyday life that I got scared. I felt so overwhelmed and it felt so right that I got scared, Sunghoon.” His voice wavered a little, “I love you.” he cleared his throat as he looked up and see a teary-eyed Sunghoon. “Don’t cry. I’m sorry. I won’t force myself to you. I know I have kids and—” arms engulfed him as Sunghoon embraced him tight.

“I love you.” Sunghoon whispered on his ears, and he didn’t thought he could be this happy again. Meeting Sunghoon is a miracle and he didn’t care if in the eyes of others, their relationship doesn’t sound right. As long as they are together is enough with me, he vowed, I will never let this man go. Never.

They walked towards their apartment hand-in-hand, with a goofy smile on his face, Jiwon said good night to Sunghoon. But he was caught of guard again when the younger stole a kiss from him.

“Good night, hyung.” Sunghoon said, smiling at him. He turned to enter his apartment but he was grabbed back by Jiwon instantly, his back met his door as he was slammed on it. Jiwon’s mouth covered his in a hot fiery kiss, making him dazed, leaving him wanting for more. As if feeling his desire, Jiwon peppered his face with small kisses as he tried to open the door to Sunghoon’s apartment. “Wait, wait, hyung.” Sunghoon said gasping as Jiwon sucked on his neck. “The kids.”

“I’ll be back early in the morning. I know what time they will wake up. Right now, I just want to be with you. I want to have a make up session with you.” He said and Sunghoon laughed, giving in.

Morning came and he was greeted by the image of Sunghoon sleeping by his side. He smiled, he never felt this happy and calm before. He tried to wake Sunghoon up by kissing him on the lips and he succeeded when Sunghoon answered his kisses, soft kisses turned out to be tongue-mating as time flew by. Jiwon was about to climbed on top of Sunghoon when the younger stopped the kiss and told him “The kids.” Jiwon whined, kisses him on the cheek instead. “No whining, Dad.” Sunghoon said, teasing him. “Let’s go together, give me a minute to dress up. You dress up too, Dad.” Jiwon smiled, teeth showing as he looked up at Sunghoon. He won’t mention it but he likes it when the younger calls him Dad.

Jiwon came inside their apartment to see two people waiting at the door, pouting at him.

“Where were you?” Seunghoon said, pouting at him. But one look at the person who just entered with his dad, who is smiling at them, made them squeal “Uncle Sunghoon!” they chorused as they ran towards him. Sunghoon leaned down to meet them and hug them both.

“So you both made up already?” Seungyoon asked innocently.

Jiwon looked down at Sunghoon with a mischievous smile, “yes we did.”

“Hyung” Sunghoon scolded albeit laughing.

The twins can only look at them questioningly. They can never understand adults.

---

A month later…

It was the weekend. Sunghoon was woken up by the doorbell, squinting his eyes to look at the clock it says, 4pm. Not even caring about his appearance, bed hair and pajamas, he slowly strutted towards the door, opening it to reveal the smiling twins and Jiwon.

“Uhh, did we wake you up?” Jiwon couldn’t hide his smile at Sunghoon’s appearance. He grinned at him as the younger tried to look more descent. “It’s already four in the afternoon. You haven’t eaten yet, have you?

“No not yet. I told you right, I always sleep in the weekend so it’s normal for me not to have breakfast and lunch.

“I want a Pikachu pajama too, daddy.” Seungyoon interfered their conversation which was earned a laugh from the two adults. Sunghoon looked down on his pajamas “You like Pikachu too?”

“Seungyoon likes cute things.” Seunghoon answered for Seungyoon, the younger only nodding at Seunghoon.

“Pikachu is cute, right?” Sunghoon asked, lifting Seungyoon and carried him inside. Seeing the gesture, Seunghoon looked up to his dad and lifted his arms, a sign that he should carry him inside too. Jiwon smiled and carried him inside too. They saw the two on the living room with Seungyoon on the couch and Sunghoon carrying DVDs. When he was near, he saw they are all Pokemon DVDs. Seeing this, Seunghoon wriggled out of his hold and marched excitedly towards Sunghoon and Seungyoon.

“Pokemon!” he uttered loudly. “Is that the same as the one Daddy always play with us?” he asked, Sunghoon looked up to Jiwon who shied away as he cleared his throat. “This is not a game, this is a DVD, do you want to watch it?” he asked, sleeping already out of his mind as soon as he get the DVDs. The kids cheered as they waited for Sunghoon to turned the DVD and the TV on while Jiwon sat beside Seunghoon, also waiting. As soon as he readied the equipments, Sunghoon went and sit beside Seungyoon with the remote on hand. He then proceeded on turning it on and spent the whole afternoon on watching Pokemon DVDs.

Sunghoon has fallen asleep once the third DVD was playing, Jiwon gesturing for the boys to be quiet; they obeyed imitating their dad’s sshh action. Jiwon smiled as he stared at Sunghoon, Sunghoon has mentioned before that his weekends schedule are hectic compared to his weekdays schedule that’s why he always wake up late during weekends. He just didn’t know he will still be sleeping at 4 o’clock. If only he had known, he should have told the twins not to disturb him.

“Uncle Sunghoon is much much better than mommy.” Seunghoon suddenly said, startling him. He looked down at Seunghoon and saw him looking back at him.

“What are you talking about?”

“I like Uncle Sunghoon so much, dad.” Seungyoon also piped in.

“What are you guys talking about?”

“We don’t mind.”

“You guys are just turning 6 what kind of talk are you hearing around you guys?” Jiwon asked, baffled

“Uncle Sunghoon told us not to tell you but I guess we should tell you.” Seungyoon quietly murmured, looking at his twin.

“We saw mommy when we were on our way to school, she is with someone we don’t know. We know Mommy won’t come back, Dad. We heard you guys talking one night.” Seunghoon quietly said.

“But we are alright with it. We only want Daddy. We don’t want Mommy. Mommy didn’t even say hi, to us. But it’s alright.”

“Because Uncle Sunghoon was there, right?” Seunghoon piped in.

“Yes! I want Uncle Sunghoon to be our Uncle forever! Can we adopt Uncle Sunghoon, Dad?” Seungyoon cutely asked, making Jiwon laughed out loud, waking Sunghoon up.

“What what what?” Sunghoon drowsily said.

“Nothing, go back to sleep. Oh wait, go back to sleep we’ll go home now.” Jiwon said softly, lifting his hand, he run his fingers on Sunghoon’s hair. And Seungyoon leaned on Sunghoon’s stomach and said “I’ll stay with Uncle Sunghoon. You go home now, Dad and Seunghoon.”

“No, you and dad go home. I’ll stay with Uncle Sunghoon.” Seunghoon said, hopping off the sofa to sit and lean on the other side of Sunghoon. Sunghoon laughed at the antics of the twins.

“Why not you stay here for the night? The three of you?” Sunghoon suggested which was earned with claps from the twins and a smile from Jiwon.

“Alright.” Jiwon said, gazing lovingly at him. The twins giggled at that.

He might never understand what his children are saying but one thing for sure, the three of them want and can’t live without Sunghoon in their lives. And it might still be the start of their imperfect family, but he had vowed and will vow again to never let him go. He will go against the odds, against his family just for him and he knows, his sons are with him.